Where oh where are my cajones?

WHAT is this fear I have of disappointing people??? Have I always nursed this anxiety or has it been growing over the years? Is it just manifesting now bc I am making decisions whose ramifications matter much more to me than any so far in my life?

I have a prenatal appointment tomorrow and I am practically in sweats about it. Why? Bc I know something that they don't know - that I am going to try to give Bailey her birth at home, naturally, with help from people who help babies get born. Every appointment, i feel as if i am making small talk and smiling just to cover up the truth, and when i imagine what kind of reaction i would get if i told them that what my real plans are, I panic.

(A little backstory - No doctors will assist homebirths in KY, so it will be a midwife and/or doula coming to the house. Everyone I've talked to has said Don't tell the doctors you're giving birth at home! - all to do with litigation and liabilities...and so the doctors themselves don't want to know. Mine have seemed completely uninterested in natural childbirth in general. Not the most reassuring situation, let me just say, and i am sure that it adds to the stress of being about to give birth for the first time.)

I am all worried about how the doctors will feel if I tell them we're giving birth at home, how the rejected midwives will feel when I tell them I chose someone else to go with, how anxious Mom will be about something going wrong, how trapped I could feel if i get afraid, and then how responsible we will feel if something does goes awry...and I start to feel paralyzed.

Maybe this is Part 2 of my learning to trust the Universe and the Creator, and to believe in my own self-worth. People make decisions every day that are right for them and not right for somebody else. Right now I am trying to make a nice open space to provide the best birthday ever for this little girl, and to take the time to search and discover before making our decision...People can wait.

Is this the same kind of fear I have of being in crowds or of interviewing people on the street? Why do I not have this fear on stage? BC I can hide inside a character? BC i can hide inside of good work? I think there is something really important for me to learn here...like, where are julie's cajones in real life? I want to find them, quick!